Goldman Sachs exec touts plans to automate ‘human assembly line’ with AI ‘robots’– and vows no mass layoffs - New York Post

Ah, the grand old tradition of corporate reassurance: 'We're automating everything, but don't worry, your jobs are safe.' Goldman Sachs President John Waldron has unveiled plans to deploy generative AI 'robots' to streamline the bank's 'human assembly line'—a phrase that manages to be both dehumanising and eerily accurate in one go. Waldron, apparently channelling every middle manager who ever promised 'no one will be replaced,' vows there will be no mass layoffs. Because, of course, automating tedious tasks has never, in the history of capitalism, led to headcount reductions. It's almost charming—like watching a magician assure you the rabbit is perfectly fine while the hat is clearly emitting smoke.

But let's get specific. Waldron's 'human assembly line' is a term that should make every Goldman employee update their CV. And yet, no mass layoffs? It's the kind of statement that lands with the solemn credibility of a used-car salesman swearing the engine is pristine. The obvious reading: 'No mass layoffs' means 'we'll do it gradually, attrition-based, and call it something else.' Remember when Blockbuster said streaming was a niche?

Still, one must admire the audacity. Waldron is essentially saying, 'We will build machines to replace you, but we promise not to fire you all at once.' It's a promise as comforting as a chocolate teapot. The real question is whether the 'no mass layoffs' line is a genuine commitment or just the soothing preamble to a thousand individual conversations that each begin with 'It's not you, it's the AI.' Goldman Sachs is betting big on automation, and in a few years, we'll see whether Waldron's vow was a promise or a euphemism. My money's on the euphemism.