Report: OpenAI is developing its first smartphone to compete with the iPhone

Oh, marvellous. OpenAI, the lab that couldn't figure out how to keep its own models from hallucinating their way through a Turing test, is now going to build a smartphone. Because what the world desperately needs is a device that runs on hype and occasionally decides your calendar is a work of fiction. Analyst Ming-Chi Kuo, whose track record is about as reliable as a wet iPhone, reports that OpenAI is in talks with MediaTek and Qualcomm. Those chip giants must be thrilled to partner with an organisation whose definition of 'safety' changes more often than the weather.

This is the same OpenAI that recently restricted access to Cyber after publicly sneering at Anthropic for doing exactly the same thing. Consistency isn't their brand. Now they want to take on Apple, a company that actually knows how to manufacture hardware at scale. Samsung is laughing. Foxconn is checking its schedule. The idea of an OpenAI phone probably involves a subscription fee just to unlock the camera, with an option to pay extra for a less hallucinatory photo gallery. 'Siri, what's the weather?' 'I'm sorry, I need to run a chain-of-thought to verify I am not currently dreaming of electric sheep.'

But never mind the practicalities. The real innovation here is that the phone will probably be open-source for the first 24 hours, then suddenly closed, with Sam Altman giving a heartfelt apology about needing to protect 'safety' while patenting the home button. The best part? When it inevitably flops, they'll blame regulators for not moving fast enough. Marvellous.