Our Principles

Oh, splendid — OpenAI has published a new list of principles. Because principles have worked so well before. This time they're very serious about prosperity needing 'governments may consider new economic models,' which is management-speak for 'we broke the economy, and that's a government problem now.' The company that got sued by most of the creative class for training on their work without permission is now solicitously warning about 'new risks AI will introduce,' which it handily plans to solve *in partnership with others* — code for 'deflect accountability while keeping the cash.'

The timing, as ever, is elegant. Just as the Musk-Altman trial heats up, OpenAI announces it has found its moral compass. Nothing says 'we should definitely be trusted unchecked' like publishing a framework while your legal team argues the company has no governance duty whatsoever. *Private Eye* couldn't write this any better.

And let's note what's left out: no mention of winding down AGI-facing caps, no acknowledgement of the nine-times job displacement forecast from three weeks ago, no admission that closing their models was itself a principles reversal. But hey, principles are like New Year's resolutions — it's the *declaring* that counts.