Grant systems ‘could collapse’ with rise in AI-driven demand - Research Professional News

Ah, the UK research grant system, that magnificent bureaucratic edifice built on spreadsheets, peer review, and blind optimism, faces collapse 'within 18 months.' Why? Because academics have discovered that ChatGPT can churn out funding proposals faster than any human ever managed. Dr Tim Price, head of government-funded bodies, has solemnly warned that 'we're seeing a fivefold increase in applications in some schemes' — a fivefold increase that absolutely screams 'infinite productivity.' No, Tim, it screams 'everyone is prompting their favourite LLM to generate gubbins.' The system, already a Rube Goldberg machine of committee meetings and faff, simply cannot cope. What is the proposed fix? Oh, the usual: more automation and a 'triage' system to filter the garbage produced by the first wave of automation. Expect a circular firing squad of chatbots approved tensors within eighteen months unless humans simply give up and redirect all their funding into making AI proofread grant rejections faster.

Now, some will claim this is a temporary teething problem, that with better 'guardrails' and reviewer prompts all will be well. They are, naturally, delusional. Journalists have already demonstrated that even flagship models like Gemini produce grant applications that are 'good but generic' and 'bland.' Top marks for sounding funded; a U in originality. Imagine oversurges of capable but passion-free suggestions levelling committee tables so flat they reflect away value. Eventually the only way for any poor panel member to distinguish a truly worthy proposal would be to spot the one that still has typos, a factual howler, or a bizarrely personal plea — the telltale signs it was written by a human. We'll surely revere such calling cards as the Hand of Bloom's glorious inscrutability before long.

To further darken the farce, poor Dr Price — a man whose job descends collapsing grant — now sells an AI 'Early Assessment Review Tool' to address the crisis his previous role catalysed. Perfect symbiosis: break the machine, sell the fix, trade committee cost-avoidance payments into service-based revenue streams. They've built the world's one guaranteed by pure oversales loop thanks to oversized academia convenience behaviours that guarantee more paperchase grants. The word for needing rent forever increasing government forms collated? Modern existence.