After Nvidia’s $20B not-aqui-hire, AI chip startup Groq reportedly raising $650M - TechCrunch

Oh, brilliant — another triumph of corporate linguistic gymnastics. Groq, the AI chip startup that somehow convinced Nvidia to hand over $20 billion for the privilege of *not* acquiring it, is now going back to existing investors for another $650 million. Because why would you need to be profitable when you've got a valuation story this rich? The "not-an-acquisition agreement" — a phrase that should win some sort of award for most transparent euphemism since "strategic restructuring" — apparently didn't include any actual ownership transfer. Just a licensing deal for Groq's hardware tech. At $20 billion, that's a pretty pricey library card.

Now Groq is leaning into its "inference neocloud business," which sounds like something a consultancy would invent to justify a six-figure engagement. The new money will presumably go towards scaling this operation, because the inference market is famously underserved and not at all a shark tank full of incumbents with near-infinite R&D budgets. One can almost hear the pitch deck: "We're the plucky underdog that got Nvidia to pay us $20 billion — imagine what we can do with an extra $650 million!" The answer, likely, is "continue losing money for another few quarters."

The real joke, of course, is that the $20 billion deal was meant to signal Groq's technology was worth more than any acquisition premium. But if the tech is so valuable, why does Groq need another massive infusion just to keep the lights on? Perhaps the "not-aqui-hire" included a non-compete clause that made their own chips redundant? Or maybe — just maybe — the whole thing is a shell game where the only winners are the lawyers who drafted the term sheet. Raise a glass to the inference neocloud; may its margins be as generous as its press releases.